What to Say (And Not Say) to Someone in Early Sobriety

Supporting a loved one in early sobriety can feel like walking a tightrope. You want to encourage them, but you also don’t want to say the wrong thing. Words carry weight, and in recovery, what you say can either help strengthen someone’s commitment or unintentionally cause harm.

This blog will walk you through what to say (and what not to say) to someone in early sobriety. Whether you’re a family member, friend, or colleague, your role can make a huge difference in their journey.

Why Language Matters in Early Recovery

In early sobriety, emotions are often heightened. People may feel vulnerable, uncertain, or even ashamed. The words you use can:

• Validate their effort and courage

• Encourage resilience during difficult moments

• Reduce stigma and shame

• Support their long-term recovery goals

Research shows that stigma is a major barrier to sustained recovery. A study published in Journal of Substance Abuse Treatment found that the language we use can influence not only how others perceive people in recovery, but also how they view themselves (source).

What to Say to Someone in Early Sobriety

1. “I’m proud of you.”

Acknowledgment goes a long way. Early recovery is filled with self-doubt, and hearing genuine encouragement can be powerful.

• Why it works: It validates their effort without judgment and reinforces that recovery is something to celebrate.

2. “How can I support you today?”

Instead of assuming what they need, offer an open invitation for them to share.

• Why it works: It gives control back to the individual, showing respect for their process.

3. “One day at a time.”

A classic phrase in recovery circles, this reminder encourages focusing on today instead of being overwhelmed by the future.

• Why it works: It echoes principles of 12-step programs and evidence-based recovery strategies that emphasize small, achievable goals.

4. “You’re not alone.”

Isolation is a common struggle in early sobriety. Reassuring them that you’re there can ease feelings of loneliness.

• Why it works: Social connection is a protective factor against relapse (source).

5. “I admire your strength.”

Many in recovery don’t feel strong, they may feel weak for needing help. Flipping the narrative highlights the resilience it takes to stay sober.

What Not to Say to Someone in Early Sobriety

1. “Can’t you just have one drink?”

This is one of the most harmful things you can say. Sobriety isn’t about willpower—it’s about protecting health, stability, and future goals.

• Why it’s harmful: Minimizes their struggle and tempts relapse.

2. “I know how you feel.”

Unless you’ve personally battled addiction, this can come across as dismissive. Even if you’ve struggled, their journey is unique.

• Better alternative: “I can’t imagine exactly what this feels like, but I’m here to listen.”

3. “You don’t look like someone with a problem.”

Though it may sound like a compliment, it reinforces stereotypes and can create shame.

• Why it’s harmful: Addiction doesn’t have “a look.” Comments like this dismiss the reality of their struggle.

4. “Shouldn’t you be over this by now?”

Recovery isn’t linear, and there’s no set timeline. Healing takes time—sometimes years.

• Better alternative: “I know recovery is a process, and I’m here for the long haul.”

5. “At least you’re not like ___.”

Comparisons, whether to another person or a past version of themselves, aren’t helpful.

• Why it’s harmful: It diminishes their effort and can create feelings of inadequacy.

How to Be a Supportive Presence

Supporting someone in early sobriety goes beyond words. Here are a few practical tips:

• Listen more than you speak. Sometimes the best support is simply being present.

• Respect their boundaries. Don’t push them to attend social events where alcohol or drugs are present.

• Celebrate milestones. Whether it’s one week or one year, acknowledging progress matters.

• Educate yourself. Learn about addiction and recovery through reputable sources.

Final Thoughts

Words matter. When supporting someone in early sobriety, choose language that uplifts, encourages, and respects their journey. Even small shifts in how you communicate can make a meaningful difference in someone’s recovery process.

Explore Gracious Wellsprings’ supportive housing options for those navigating early recovery.

FAQs About Supporting Someone in Sobriety:

Q: How do I talk about sobriety without making it awkward?

A: Keep it natural and respectful. Instead of tiptoeing around the topic, let them lead. If they bring it up, engage with empathy. If not, focus on shared interests outside sobriety.

Q: What if I accidentally say the wrong thing?

A: Own it, apologize, and move forward. Acknowledging mistakes shows humility and care.

Q: How can I encourage them without sounding pushy?

A: Ask permission first. Say something like, “Would you like me to check in with you about meetings or milestones?” Respecting their boundaries shows trust and care.

Q: How do I handle social events where alcohol is involved?

A: Be proactive. Let them know what the environment will be like and ask if they’d feel comfortable. Offer alternatives, like a sober outing or mocktail night.

Q: How can I avoid triggering someone in early recovery?

A: Don’t pressure them to drink, avoid glamorizing alcohol/drug use in conversation, and check in if you’re unsure. A simple, “Is this okay to talk about?” can make a big difference.

Q: Is it okay to drink in front of someone in early recovery?

A: Ask them first. Some people aren’t bothered, while others find it very triggering. When in doubt, skip the alcohol or choose a neutral activity.

Q: What if I feel frustrated with their behavior?

A: It’s normal to feel this way, but avoid criticism. Instead, express feelings calmly: “I care about you, but I feel worried when…” This keeps the focus on your concern, not blame.

Q: How can I talk about stressful topics without overwhelming them?

A: Keep it balanced. If you need to discuss something heavy, check in first: “Is now a good time to talk about this?” This respects their emotional capacity.

Q: How do I know if I’m enabling versus supporting?

A: Supporting empowers them (encouraging healthy habits, respecting boundaries). Enabling avoids conflict at the expense of their recovery (covering up problems, excusing behavior). Ask yourself: “Am I helping them grow, or helping them avoid consequences?”

Q: How do I support them during cravings or tough moments?

A: Stay calm and present. You don’t need the “perfect words.” Sometimes saying, “I’m here with you. Want to go for a walk or call someone from your support network?” is enough.